Quick, Cover Thy Testicles!

Friends and Internet-Stalkers of the world,
Many of you have repeatedly asked me what working in a British Pub is like for a young Australian so have decided to do a brief post on my job. Since I start work in 2 hours and am currently still in bed I'll have to speed through this one.

So, I work at a pub in Sutton [South London] called The Old Bank. There are a large number of odd and creepy regulars [including Ralph, an obese smelly man who snores when he is awake and is obsessed with Australian's] but overall it's a well rad place to work. The other staff are so wicked, especially Alison, Gemma and Mel. They're all in they're early 20's and deadset hilarious. Then there is Kay, the forty-something pretty kitchen assistant who is so rad - and last night we went around hers to watch the boxing match [oh by the way the little guy won. he totally beat a 7ft Russian tank called Nikolai.] The assistant managers are Sean and Rob who like to stir me as much as possible by giving me an endless amount of nicknames [Stevie, Bobby Jo, Jimmeny Bob, Jon Bobby, Hanson, Jon Boy, Shaggy, Jimbo, Mmm'bop, etc.] and then there's the manager Richard who is a quiet yet unbelievably intimidating man [with awesome music taste!] and his wife...

Gail. Gail is by far and away the funniest but strangest boss I have ever had. Not only will she only refer to me as "Knobhead", "Dickface", "You Cock", "Dumbass" and many, many more [She calls everybody these names, very rarely will she use your actual name] but she likes to hit you. Especially in the balls. That's right, two weeks ago she clipped Righty. Righty!! My favourite of the two. Then she laughed and laughed for a solid seven minutes. She also likes to give these ridiculously painful massages and will not stop until you flinch and squirm in actual pain. Plus she'll hit you when you're pouring drinks to make you spill it - then if you spill it she'll actually yell at you. But she really is awesome and if anybody in the pub gives you grief she'll tear them to pieces. She's wicked, hilarious and an awesome boss. Time for some of my favourite Gail quotes:

G:Hmmmmm. James, I'm going to punch you today.
J: What... Why? I only started two minutes ago.
G: Yeah, but I can tell you're going to fucking annoy me. At least I'm giving you a warning. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. You. Today.
[for the record, she did punch me that day. and most other days I work]

G: One time I threw up beetroot out of my nose all over Richard's salad. He don't like beetroot.

G: When I'm sick, vomit comes squirting out of my eyes.

G: Why do you always fucking flinch when I walk passed you?
J: Because you always hit me when you walk passed me, Gail.
G: I don't always hit you.. [*hits me in the stomach*]... you cock.

I have had several embarrassing encounters with customers at The Old Bank, but the most recent and possibly most noteable happened 2 weeks ago when an Asian man named Ming [who ALWAYS comes in and gets a Guiness] was a little drunk and made the following statement, while I was talking to Mel:

"James... James. James I like you cause when you turn around you remind me of lady."

What the balls! WHO SAYS THAT?! Of course Mel found it hilarious, as did Alison, but it took me a good few minutes to stop being creeped out so I could laugh at it. I refused to EVER have my back to him again. AND THEN last night, Ming came in again and mentioned how he hadn't seen me much. This was due to me going to Germany for a while, plus a general avoidance of him. But I had to serve him, everybody else was busy. I was ready to face... the beast. I was a regular Frodo and he was just that evil eye thing that sits on top of a volcano and is all "Kill Frodo, I want my ring" but in this case the eye [I think his name was Sauron or Solomon or something] was saying "Frodo, when you turn around you remind me of lady." I was going to be brave. He orders his Guiness, so I put my hand out and say, '£3.05, thank-you.' I held the eye contact, ina brave manly way and not in a "I want you, Samwise Gamgee" kind of way. And he puts the exact change in my hand, and all was going to plan. I was serving him, without him being creepy and without throwing up in my mouth. But as he pulls his hands away - he rubs them against my hand. Like I mean, my hand was the meat in a Ming-hand sandwich. He then proceeded to add.

"Oh, James. Your hands are so nice and warm. I like your hands. Very nice. Very warm."

I refused to acknowledge that this incident took place and put his money in the til, went and washed my hands repeatedly and Mel saw I was clearly bothered by something. I told her what he said, we looked over at him to find him smiling and waving at us. Once again she found this hilarious while I continued to wash my hands every 5 minutes for the next hour or so. Man, Frodo should have stopped his God damn whinging, some people have it far worse.

So now that I have embarrrassed myself once again in the wide world of the web, I will leave you to shudder and cringe as you picture an elderly Asian gentleman with a moustache caressing my hands.

Good luck getting to sleep tonight.