Friends and Internet-Stalkers of the world,
Many of you have repeatedly asked me what working in a British Pub is like for a young Australian so have decided to do a brief post on my job. Since I start work in 2 hours and am currently still in bed I'll have to speed through this one.
So, I work at a pub in Sutton [South London] called The Old Bank. There are a large number of odd and creepy regulars [including Ralph, an obese smelly man who snores when he is awake and is obsessed with Australian's] but overall it's a well rad place to work. The other staff are so wicked, especially Alison, Gemma and Mel. They're all in they're early 20's and deadset hilarious. Then there is Kay, the forty-something pretty kitchen assistant who is so rad - and last night we went around hers to watch the boxing match [oh by the way the little guy won. he totally beat a 7ft Russian tank called Nikolai.] The assistant managers are Sean and Rob who like to stir me as much as possible by giving me an endless amount of nicknames [Stevie, Bobby Jo, Jimmeny Bob, Jon Bobby, Hanson, Jon Boy, Shaggy, Jimbo, Mmm'bop, etc.] and then there's the manager Richard who is a quiet yet unbelievably intimidating man [with awesome music taste!] and his wife...
Gail. Gail is by far and away the funniest but strangest boss I have ever had. Not only will she only refer to me as "Knobhead", "Dickface", "You Cock", "Dumbass" and many, many more [She calls everybody these names, very rarely will she use your actual name] but she likes to hit you. Especially in the balls. That's right, two weeks ago she clipped Righty. Righty!! My favourite of the two. Then she laughed and laughed for a solid seven minutes. She also likes to give these ridiculously painful massages and will not stop until you flinch and squirm in actual pain. Plus she'll hit you when you're pouring drinks to make you spill it - then if you spill it she'll actually yell at you. But she really is awesome and if anybody in the pub gives you grief she'll tear them to pieces. She's wicked, hilarious and an awesome boss. Time for some of my favourite Gail quotes:
G:Hmmmmm. James, I'm going to punch you today.
J: What... Why? I only started two minutes ago.
G: Yeah, but I can tell you're going to fucking annoy me. At least I'm giving you a warning. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. You. Today.
[for the record, she did punch me that day. and most other days I work]
G: One time I threw up beetroot out of my nose all over Richard's salad. He don't like beetroot.
G: When I'm sick, vomit comes squirting out of my eyes.
G: Why do you always fucking flinch when I walk passed you?
J: Because you always hit me when you walk passed me, Gail.
G: I don't always hit you.. [*hits me in the stomach*]... you cock.
I have had several embarrassing encounters with customers at The Old Bank, but the most recent and possibly most noteable happened 2 weeks ago when an Asian man named Ming [who ALWAYS comes in and gets a Guiness] was a little drunk and made the following statement, while I was talking to Mel:
"James... James. James I like you cause when you turn around you remind me of lady."
What the balls! WHO SAYS THAT?! Of course Mel found it hilarious, as did Alison, but it took me a good few minutes to stop being creeped out so I could laugh at it. I refused to EVER have my back to him again. AND THEN last night, Ming came in again and mentioned how he hadn't seen me much. This was due to me going to Germany for a while, plus a general avoidance of him. But I had to serve him, everybody else was busy. I was ready to face... the beast. I was a regular Frodo and he was just that evil eye thing that sits on top of a volcano and is all "Kill Frodo, I want my ring" but in this case the eye [I think his name was Sauron or Solomon or something] was saying "Frodo, when you turn around you remind me of lady." I was going to be brave. He orders his Guiness, so I put my hand out and say, '£3.05, thank-you.' I held the eye contact, ina brave manly way and not in a "I want you, Samwise Gamgee" kind of way. And he puts the exact change in my hand, and all was going to plan. I was serving him, without him being creepy and without throwing up in my mouth. But as he pulls his hands away - he rubs them against my hand. Like I mean, my hand was the meat in a Ming-hand sandwich. He then proceeded to add.
"Oh, James. Your hands are so nice and warm. I like your hands. Very nice. Very warm."
I refused to acknowledge that this incident took place and put his money in the til, went and washed my hands repeatedly and Mel saw I was clearly bothered by something. I told her what he said, we looked over at him to find him smiling and waving at us. Once again she found this hilarious while I continued to wash my hands every 5 minutes for the next hour or so. Man, Frodo should have stopped his God damn whinging, some people have it far worse.
So now that I have embarrrassed myself once again in the wide world of the web, I will leave you to shudder and cringe as you picture an elderly Asian gentleman with a moustache caressing my hands.
Good luck getting to sleep tonight.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Good Blogs Take Time
And time I did take!
No, you are not high from a gas leak - the blog is actually back. And I apologize for taking so long [2 months] to update my dedicated 3 and a half readers [mothers dont count as full people] on my European adventures. I have just settled down in the front room, got the Rugby League on mute [yes HAHA Matt and Maddy, I am sure you made some witty and ever so humorous reference to me watching sport instead of TV-stalking my future wife Lauren Conrad]. So I am going to attempt to write 4.. count 'em FOUR posts in the next three days. Can it be done? Of course it can. By me? Almost certainly not. But it's good to set goals and then fail at them so when I drink I at least have a valid reason. I should write a book.
So this post is going to attempt to catch you up on the last 2 months - then I'll do one about the new job, then German adventure and finally the biggest day fail of all time that happened on Thursday as Alison and I tried to piecce together what happened on Wednesday night. HAHAHA oh man the funniest ad just came on TV. It's like Churchill Insurance or something and it has this fat dog called Churchill that can only say "Ohhhhhhh yes!" and he like bobs his head then goes to audition for a broadway musical but the musical is 'Cats' so he is all like "Ohhhhhh no!" hahahaha oh man it cracks me up every time. England Win!
SO where we last left off I was at Pukkelpop music festival in August. Since then, obviously returned to England and moved in with the Kinsey family - and I may have finally met my match in Brian and Trish. Liam and I decided at the tender age of 17 that there would be one rule in life we would never, ever break. Never turn down free alcohol. EVER. And up until I moved in here, I never did. But now it seems a weekly occurance, as I continue to suffer a post-red wine hang over and am then offered more free beer and wine. I feel a little part of me die inside every time I say "I can't..." - and a single tear escapes. It's tragic stuff really, now I know how those people who miss out on their dreams must feel. You know like people who want to be basketballers but get thrown through glass windows and damage their spine so they can't play any more and then get really moody and grow beards [ha - I wish] and long hair and then their son and wife are all "do you even love us? We are your family and we are right here" and.... wow... should not have watched that episode of One Tree Hill the other day - what was I thinking? James fail.
SO Sutton. Went to a bar called Revolutionary. Was kindly escourted out by a burley [not going to bother spell-checking this on google] as I dozed off around two in the morning. Fun night. OH but they do really good jugs of weird cocktails and they give you straws so you can drink it right out of the jug. Then on night 2 out in Sutton, Frank and I got into a heated argument with an elderly gentleman who was wee bit racist. Classic O'Neils.
Let's see... what to write. Went to a house party, chased some squirrels in Hyde Park, spent the RADDEST hour in Hamley's [Europe's biggest toy store] testing out the toys and I became an Arsenal supporter + went to 2 games at the Emirates stadium. There's a really short guy in the team who I have decided is my favourite cause he's the only one I can recognize from far back. Went out in London with some looovely Australian ladies [Zanthea, Vanessa and Kate] and drunkenly stumbled into a sushi train at midnight. Ended well. Also found a bar called Sugar Cane bar which I think is the closest bar I'll find to Brisbane's infamous "The D'under". So that was sweet. Lisa and I were also escourted out of The Flowerpot in Camden as we accidentally snuck alcohol in. And I mean, accidentally. We were drinking a can of very strong cider called 'K' [deadliest drink ever] and we just wandered passed security and entered - sat RIGHT near the bar and continued to drink our drinks. The bar man person was not impressed.
OK I am trying to hurry this up as I start work soon then am going to watch the boxing at Kay's place cause it's like this English guy against a 7ft 2in Russian!!!!!!!! HOW FUNNY IS THAT GOING TO BE?!?!?!?!!!? But I am sure there is more to write... SEE this is why I have been putting off updating my blog, it gets difficult to remember what I did.
You can walk around here in broad daylight and drink. BROAD DAYLIGHT. And I'm all "look at me drinking beer at midday walking through Camden" and it is the coooooolest thing and I don't ever want to return to a city where this would lead to a $165 fine. You can't make me.
OH I have been to see this mega RAD band play a fewwww times. They are called Billy Vincent and you should all go to www.billyvincent.co.uk right now and listen to them. 'Young Hearts' is my favourite song and it's the first one so it's really not asking much of you to listen to it now is it? I'm doing all this writing the least you can do is listen to that song and damn well enjoy it. Thank-you, mum.
Now for my mugging experience. I was mugged... in broad daylight... by the most polite mugger in the world, and his little slimey twat friend with a hideously nasaly voice. I finished work at 3:00pm and began the 6minute walk home. 30 seconds into it somebody taps me on the shoulder. And after I took my headphones out, it went a little bit like this...
Mugger: Cool jacket man.
Me: [in my head] Oh no. [hahaha just like the Churchill dog because he can't be in 'Cats']
Mugger: Right so we [issues for smaller friend to come closer] need to get to Cambridge to see my mum. So we need money for a train.
Me: Oh, here you go - my last money. [gives them 4 pounds.]
Mugger: [pushes me into bus stop and smaller friend pushes me again into the corner] C'mon man, you know it's 20 to get to Cambridge. You know that.
Me: What? No, I don't know that. Why the fuck would I know that?
It was about this stage that I wish I actually knew how to throw a punch. All those years as a small child being exposed to violence in Mortal Kombat and I couldn't throw a punch? Well, at least I could finish the entire first level as Johnny Cage and even get him to do a really cool Fatality against Goro. Oh man I will never forget the first/only time I beat Goro.
Mugger: [grabbiny my wallet] Don't lie man, you know we need 20... [opens my wallet to find 45 pounds... he takes out 20.]
Twat-Mugger: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MAN, TAKE IT ALL. TAKE IT ALL.
Mugger: [pushing wallet back in my face] No no, we only need twenty. Here you go, mate.
Me: ....thaaaank-you? [said awkwardly]
Well what the fuck do you say when this happens? Oh, cheers mister mugger man for not taking all of my money and only hurting me a little bit. I'll give you a 9/10 - had it not been for your wanker-friend I might have given you a perfect 10.
Mugger: Give me your phone.
Me: No, not my phone.
Mugger: [grabs phone from out of my jacket-pocket. I had forgotten my headphones were sticking out of there...] I'm just going to put my number in.
Me: Yeah I'm sure you are.
Mugger: You don't believe me? My name is Jerome and one day you are going to get this money back... I promise.
Me: [he gives the phone back to me, with his 'number' saved] what?
Mugger: So you gonna go to the cops?
Me: Over 20 quid....
Mugger: Good idea. Because we all live in Sutton and you're very recognizeable. So don't make trouble for us. Now, shake my hand.
Me: No thank-you.
Mugger: SHAKE it.
So I shook his hand. And they left. And I went home and sat down and tried to work out what the balls just happened.
There we go, I can't really be bothered sharing the rest of my stories at the moment. Went to my first UK house party, had a wicked night on Call of Duty with Helen, Lee and Frank [I drunkenly tried toobefriend a fictional character because Gaz saved my life] and countless other drunken adventures. But I promise tomorrow I will do 1 more update, then 2 on Monday. Sorry this got shit towards the end but Trish made me a Gammon & Cheese sandwich and it's proper wicked and I lost track of my thoughts.
The main thing is, I tried. SPEAKING of trying, I was in charge of Halloween decorations at the pub this year. And, not only did I try, BUT I SUCCEEDED!! Everybody agreed it was really wicked!!! I accomplished something again!!!! That's like, 3 accomplishments this year. I feel like Ghandi or the Asian guy from 'Heroes' or something. Chris Hickey, you may have achieved early acceptance as an intern at Royal Brisbane Hospital where you will actually save lives - but have you ever spent 6hours putting fake cobwebs up above a bar? Now that, my cousin, is accomplishment.
I'm off to enjoy the rest of my sandwich. OH THE AD FOR THE BOXING MATCH IS ON AGAIN. HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS SO HUGE LIKE PROPER HUGE AND THEY ARE CALLING IT DAVID VS GOLIATH YOU KNOW FROM THAT BOOK 'THE BIBLE' ABOUT A MAGICIAN.
No, you are not high from a gas leak - the blog is actually back. And I apologize for taking so long [2 months] to update my dedicated 3 and a half readers [mothers dont count as full people] on my European adventures. I have just settled down in the front room, got the Rugby League on mute [yes HAHA Matt and Maddy, I am sure you made some witty and ever so humorous reference to me watching sport instead of TV-stalking my future wife Lauren Conrad]. So I am going to attempt to write 4.. count 'em FOUR posts in the next three days. Can it be done? Of course it can. By me? Almost certainly not. But it's good to set goals and then fail at them so when I drink I at least have a valid reason. I should write a book.
So this post is going to attempt to catch you up on the last 2 months - then I'll do one about the new job, then German adventure and finally the biggest day fail of all time that happened on Thursday as Alison and I tried to piecce together what happened on Wednesday night. HAHAHA oh man the funniest ad just came on TV. It's like Churchill Insurance or something and it has this fat dog called Churchill that can only say "Ohhhhhhh yes!" and he like bobs his head then goes to audition for a broadway musical but the musical is 'Cats' so he is all like "Ohhhhhh no!" hahahaha oh man it cracks me up every time. England Win!
SO where we last left off I was at Pukkelpop music festival in August. Since then, obviously returned to England and moved in with the Kinsey family - and I may have finally met my match in Brian and Trish. Liam and I decided at the tender age of 17 that there would be one rule in life we would never, ever break. Never turn down free alcohol. EVER. And up until I moved in here, I never did. But now it seems a weekly occurance, as I continue to suffer a post-red wine hang over and am then offered more free beer and wine. I feel a little part of me die inside every time I say "I can't..." - and a single tear escapes. It's tragic stuff really, now I know how those people who miss out on their dreams must feel. You know like people who want to be basketballers but get thrown through glass windows and damage their spine so they can't play any more and then get really moody and grow beards [ha - I wish] and long hair and then their son and wife are all "do you even love us? We are your family and we are right here" and.... wow... should not have watched that episode of One Tree Hill the other day - what was I thinking? James fail.
SO Sutton. Went to a bar called Revolutionary. Was kindly escourted out by a burley [not going to bother spell-checking this on google] as I dozed off around two in the morning. Fun night. OH but they do really good jugs of weird cocktails and they give you straws so you can drink it right out of the jug. Then on night 2 out in Sutton, Frank and I got into a heated argument with an elderly gentleman who was wee bit racist. Classic O'Neils.
Let's see... what to write. Went to a house party, chased some squirrels in Hyde Park, spent the RADDEST hour in Hamley's [Europe's biggest toy store] testing out the toys and I became an Arsenal supporter + went to 2 games at the Emirates stadium. There's a really short guy in the team who I have decided is my favourite cause he's the only one I can recognize from far back. Went out in London with some looovely Australian ladies [Zanthea, Vanessa and Kate] and drunkenly stumbled into a sushi train at midnight. Ended well. Also found a bar called Sugar Cane bar which I think is the closest bar I'll find to Brisbane's infamous "The D'under". So that was sweet. Lisa and I were also escourted out of The Flowerpot in Camden as we accidentally snuck alcohol in. And I mean, accidentally. We were drinking a can of very strong cider called 'K' [deadliest drink ever] and we just wandered passed security and entered - sat RIGHT near the bar and continued to drink our drinks. The bar man person was not impressed.
OK I am trying to hurry this up as I start work soon then am going to watch the boxing at Kay's place cause it's like this English guy against a 7ft 2in Russian!!!!!!!! HOW FUNNY IS THAT GOING TO BE?!?!?!?!!!? But I am sure there is more to write... SEE this is why I have been putting off updating my blog, it gets difficult to remember what I did.
You can walk around here in broad daylight and drink. BROAD DAYLIGHT. And I'm all "look at me drinking beer at midday walking through Camden" and it is the coooooolest thing and I don't ever want to return to a city where this would lead to a $165 fine. You can't make me.
OH I have been to see this mega RAD band play a fewwww times. They are called Billy Vincent and you should all go to www.billyvincent.co.uk right now and listen to them. 'Young Hearts' is my favourite song and it's the first one so it's really not asking much of you to listen to it now is it? I'm doing all this writing the least you can do is listen to that song and damn well enjoy it. Thank-you, mum.
Now for my mugging experience. I was mugged... in broad daylight... by the most polite mugger in the world, and his little slimey twat friend with a hideously nasaly voice. I finished work at 3:00pm and began the 6minute walk home. 30 seconds into it somebody taps me on the shoulder. And after I took my headphones out, it went a little bit like this...
Mugger: Cool jacket man.
Me: [in my head] Oh no. [hahaha just like the Churchill dog because he can't be in 'Cats']
Mugger: Right so we [issues for smaller friend to come closer] need to get to Cambridge to see my mum. So we need money for a train.
Me: Oh, here you go - my last money. [gives them 4 pounds.]
Mugger: [pushes me into bus stop and smaller friend pushes me again into the corner] C'mon man, you know it's 20 to get to Cambridge. You know that.
Me: What? No, I don't know that. Why the fuck would I know that?
It was about this stage that I wish I actually knew how to throw a punch. All those years as a small child being exposed to violence in Mortal Kombat and I couldn't throw a punch? Well, at least I could finish the entire first level as Johnny Cage and even get him to do a really cool Fatality against Goro. Oh man I will never forget the first/only time I beat Goro.
Mugger: [grabbiny my wallet] Don't lie man, you know we need 20... [opens my wallet to find 45 pounds... he takes out 20.]
Twat-Mugger: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MAN, TAKE IT ALL. TAKE IT ALL.
Mugger: [pushing wallet back in my face] No no, we only need twenty. Here you go, mate.
Me: ....thaaaank-you? [said awkwardly]
Well what the fuck do you say when this happens? Oh, cheers mister mugger man for not taking all of my money and only hurting me a little bit. I'll give you a 9/10 - had it not been for your wanker-friend I might have given you a perfect 10.
Mugger: Give me your phone.
Me: No, not my phone.
Mugger: [grabs phone from out of my jacket-pocket. I had forgotten my headphones were sticking out of there...] I'm just going to put my number in.
Me: Yeah I'm sure you are.
Mugger: You don't believe me? My name is Jerome and one day you are going to get this money back... I promise.
Me: [he gives the phone back to me, with his 'number' saved] what?
Mugger: So you gonna go to the cops?
Me: Over 20 quid....
Mugger: Good idea. Because we all live in Sutton and you're very recognizeable. So don't make trouble for us. Now, shake my hand.
Me: No thank-you.
Mugger: SHAKE it.
So I shook his hand. And they left. And I went home and sat down and tried to work out what the balls just happened.
There we go, I can't really be bothered sharing the rest of my stories at the moment. Went to my first UK house party, had a wicked night on Call of Duty with Helen, Lee and Frank [I drunkenly tried toobefriend a fictional character because Gaz saved my life] and countless other drunken adventures. But I promise tomorrow I will do 1 more update, then 2 on Monday. Sorry this got shit towards the end but Trish made me a Gammon & Cheese sandwich and it's proper wicked and I lost track of my thoughts.
The main thing is, I tried. SPEAKING of trying, I was in charge of Halloween decorations at the pub this year. And, not only did I try, BUT I SUCCEEDED!! Everybody agreed it was really wicked!!! I accomplished something again!!!! That's like, 3 accomplishments this year. I feel like Ghandi or the Asian guy from 'Heroes' or something. Chris Hickey, you may have achieved early acceptance as an intern at Royal Brisbane Hospital where you will actually save lives - but have you ever spent 6hours putting fake cobwebs up above a bar? Now that, my cousin, is accomplishment.
I'm off to enjoy the rest of my sandwich. OH THE AD FOR THE BOXING MATCH IS ON AGAIN. HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS SO HUGE LIKE PROPER HUGE AND THEY ARE CALLING IT DAVID VS GOLIATH YOU KNOW FROM THAT BOOK 'THE BIBLE' ABOUT A MAGICIAN.
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